In Finland, as in many Nordic countries, there was a tradition
That every couple of years a new pickle was declared emperor
It was a lottery system, and whichever pickle
Bought the 10,000th can of tuna of the year
Became the new emperor of all the Finnish kingdoms
This is the story of one particular pickle emperor
Who had a short but productive reign
It was in the Year of the Yak, by the Finnish calendar
When Periwinkle the Pickle Prince
Was declared emperor.
While he was being dressed in robes for the coronation and anointment
A bird alighted upon his left shoulder
Which is considered a very good omen
And Periwinkle the Pickle Prince declared a national day of birdwatching
For the entire empire of Finnish kingdoms
He led the watch with his special binoculars
That were given as a gift by the Duchess of Lake Bodom
He rode out on the finest horse in the kingdom
Followed by the royal family
And all the government bigwigs
And the military
And the landed gentry
And they went to watch birds in the nearby forest
Around the lake at the base of the hill near the emperor's palace
The first few birds they saw were spectacular
As all the birds allowed near the palace are
But the fifth bird was really something special
It was an ostrich with peacock feathers and a dog snout in place of a beak
Periwinkle the Pickle Prince took this bird as a pet and confidante
And named him Isabella
And they commanded the empire together
Bringing truth and justice to all that would have it
Among his great deeds was the construction of a temple
To all the Finnish gods
And an appropriations bill
That gave trillions to the school systems
And the appointment of many qualified individuals to the judiciary
And the construction of an aqueduct system
that brought wine to all the neighboring countries
Which was a great source of revenue and helped to fund the schools and
the temples and everything else
And this was all going fine until the Queen of Sweden
Declared a trade war
And built a giant dam to keep the Finnish wine out
This was bad for everyone
As Sweden now had no wine
And Finland suddenly had a huge budget deficit due to the reduction
in funds from the wine exports
So of course it was war
The war to end all wars
Because Spain and the Philippines were allies and sent troops
To both sides each, as they were friendly with both
Periwinkle the Pickle Prince
Rode out on Isabella commanding his army
And the Queen of Sweden went forth on her favorite bird
A parakeet named Larry
leading her army
And there was much fighting
And ingenious displays of strategy on both sides
And it lasted for years
And the Army of the Bothnia was advancing along the Tornio
And both sides brought all of their forces together for one great battle
And lined themselves up head to head
Awaiting the bugle call that would ring in the greatest battle in the history
Of Northern Europe
And both sides stood there waiting and armed the tension mounting
Until one of Periwinkle's judicial appointees came running
With the announcement that she had come upon an old constitutional document declaring
That pickles had no power
Over the military
And in fact couldn't be emperors at all
They were just figureheads if anything
And really more of a culinary delicacy
With few leadership qualities
and everybody went home and Finland
Became a Parliamentary Republic
Within the framework of a representative democracy
And Periwinkle the Pickle Prince is remembered to this day
For his wisdom in judicial appointments
And the anniversaries of his battles are celebrated annually
With pickle festivals and parades
And statues of him are found in every town in Finland
And Isabella the Ostrich
Went to the National Hairdressing School
Where he can be seen to this day
Taxidermied and Stuffed
And the object of great pride for all the alumni
Who gather to shower him with brine at the annual homecoming picnic.